At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
why do cheetos always look like penises
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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