airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
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