I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
