I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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