i need an iv and a liver transplant
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
