I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
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