it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Randomize
