Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
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