Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Randomize
