i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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