I just threw up on my dentist
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
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