Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
