M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Randomize
