My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Randomize
