Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
