YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
