Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
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