I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
