new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
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