you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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