So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
