He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
