Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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