I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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