According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
