drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
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