i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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