Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
