now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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