I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
