I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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