I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
