Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
