Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Mom said you looked used
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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