textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
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