I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
