I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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