you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
