I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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