i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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