some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Randomize