I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
