My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
