I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
