i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
