don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
