u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Randomize
