I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
