apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
why do cheetos always look like penises
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Randomize
