Moan for me like Helen Keller
just tell him i said nine months
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
