Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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