so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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