My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
