Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
