Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
