i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Randomize
