No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
