one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
