For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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